College Essay Draft (Critique Ready) - When the Ground Below Crumbles Before Me

College Essay Topic

I will be writing a personal essay that expresses who I am. This is one of the requirements for the college application to Hawaii Pacific University.

The essay will be about the things that I have to go through outside of school. I will focus on a situation that has greatly affected me.

Admission Requirements for Freshman Students

"The personal statement is your opportunity to let the admissions committee know more about yourself. You may submit writing samples, a personal essay or poetry, it is up to you on how you wish to express yourself. There is no set length required."

When the Ground Below Crumbles Before Me

The bright rays of the morning sun awoke me from a good night's rest. As always, I refused to spring out of my comfortable bed. I just wanted to lie in that soft comfort until noon. Just five more minutes. Not until I heard footsteps approaching my bedroom door. It was my mom.

"SHANEIKA!! GET OUT OF BED NOW!!! YOU WANT TO GET DROPPED OFF?? THEN, GET OUT OF BED OR ELSE YOU ARE RIDING THE BUS!! WAKE UP NOW!!! WAKE UP!!!"

I scrunched my face at the sound of my daily wake up call. I glanced at the clock that read 6:30 am. The cold breeze from the fridge caressed the sides of my cheeks as I opened it. I slowly munched on a swiss roll while I looked at my planner. Scrolling down, I noticed in big, red, and bolded letters: FLOORSHOW!!

So suddenly, a sense of excitement ran through me. Within seconds, I shoved the entire roll into my mouth and rummaged through my closet that I would always get lost in. With eagerness, I slipped my cutest top on and pulled up a pair of my favorite jeans to my waist. Looking at the mirror, there was a green post-it note secured in its place. It read: Need another $20 for PSAT registration.

That's right! These little notes always proved helpful for me, especially with my constant forgetfulness. I opened every piggy bank and wallet that lay availably in my room. Pennies and dimes fell out as I vigorously shook each one. The one and only 10 dollar bill I had sat at the side of my foot. Just another 10 dollars and the amount would be complete. Walking through the hallway that led to my parents' bedroom, my guilty conscience came knocking at me again. It was telling me that I've been asking for too much lately, but this was one of those needy times again. I forced it.

My mom stood at the front of a mirror as she carefully applied eyeshadow. Knowing the person that she is, my legs began to shake. From time to time, arguments would spark up. Each time, there was always one person with a constant flow of tears. There were times when giving up felt like an option. It was as if my feelings were never considered during these horrible times. Sometimes, a sense of fear took over me.

"Mom, can I borrow $10? I need it to pay for my PSAT registration."

"Sure," she smiles as she pulls out her wallet.

She handed me $6.

"I only have $100 and $50 bills in here. You have one dollar bills for the rest, right?"

"Yes.....," I was guilty.

I had no other cash with me, but I kept my mouth shut from asking for more. With thankfulness, I hugged her. My grandpa was the last resort. He always had a wad of cash with him. Every once a month, he would try to venture out of the house to spend quality time with his relatives, but each time, I worried for him. Most of the food he consumes are detrimental to his already weak immune system. To me, it feels as if he's swallowing a pound of salt per week. Each time he left the house, I felt the squeezing tension in my heart telling me stop him, but I have no control over him. He can be very stubborn, but he is a giving man. Whenever he spoke, the room I stood in would vibrate.

In Ilokano: "Grandpa, do you have $4 that I could borrow? I need it for school."

Without hesitation, he pulled out his wallet and handed me 4 dollar bills. They were wrinkled, old, and seemed as if they've been staying in isolation for quite some time now, much like my grandfather.

My mom was already in the garage, awaiting for my arrival. With swiftness, I dashed down the stairs and jumped out into the garage. I dumped all of my school supplies onto the back seat and let out a sign of relief. For some reason, there was a certain anger that masked my mom's face. She opened her mouth and her angry tone ran through my ears.

"How much money did you ask from tata?!"

"$4. Why?"

"Why did you ask money from him? What do you need it for? You're collecting money, aren't you and you're not telling me where these are going!"

Confusion filled my mind and I began to question what I've done wrong. I spoke, but it backfired.

"YOU LIAR! I can never trust you!"

Just that one statement struck the core of my very heart. She lost all confidence in me. Never before has she called me this.

"I didn't want to take all of your money because I felt bad! You already paid for so much and I didn't want to take any more!"

The argument continued back and forth and I thought my words were stronger than hers. Until the turning point.....

"THAT'S IT!! You're not going to FLOORSHOW and THAT'S THAT!"

I stood at the parking lot in total shock with the words still echoing in my head. They wouldn't escape me and at that very moment, I felt like I lost everything I had. I stared blankly at the black BMW van as it turned a blind corner. I wanted to burst, but I held it in. I wanted to storm my way through the school, but I held it in. I wanted to scream my frustrations out, but I held it in.

During the rest of the school day, her very words clouded my mind. Whenever I glanced at the mini yard that stood between buildings G and H, I remembered the many days I went in to practice with my friends. I remembered the laughs we would share as we practiced the hip hop routine with Sonia. I remembered my eagerness each time the clock struck 2:00. I remembered the very desire I had to perform on Homecoming Day.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated in my back pocket. It was her. My voice shook as I worked up the courage to apologize to her. I begged her to let me go, to give me the opportunity, to give me the chance that I wanted so bad. Her voice calmed. This gave me an indirect sign of approval.

"Alright. You can go to floorshow."

A smile should be stretching across my face by now, but it wasn't there. There was only a small bit of happiness that was present. She pressed the end call button before I could and I just sat there in confusion. The clock striked 6 pm, which signaled the arrival of the official beginning of homecoming. I sat below the tree and let out a sign of frustration as I watched my friends finalize the backdrops. I played around with my phone charm as I watched my phone battery slowly lose its life. I continued to ponder over her sudden declaration of approval. Something didn't add up, but I couldn't point it out.

That night, I noticed a familiar face in the bleachers. It was my mom. Her Gucci sunglasses covered her eyes as she observed the happenings around her. She noticed me, but she didn't smile. A certain guilt rushed over me and a cold breeze sent chills through my spine. After the floorshow and trivia game were over, she approached me. Her cheek bones rose as she pulled out her camera. After seeing her happiness shine behind the flash, my heart became delighted.

I may not know all of my mother's ways, but I know that she's doing these things for my own good. I may dislike her methods of discipline, but I come to appreciate it in the end. There may be those difficult times that I may have to go through, but that's life. The endurance and strength that she continues to uphold as a mother always keeps me from giving up on life. She's the only person I can go to when the ground below me is crumbling. She opened my eyes to reality. Her guidance helped me to develop the person that I am today. Each day, I force myself to do my best so that I could please her. Each day, I work up the nerve to smile even when times are hard. Each day, I pray that things will go well the next day and each night, I tell her "I love you." She's the one who goes through several clothing stores just to find that one top that I've always wanted. She's the one who would give up thousands of cash just to get me the necessities that I need for school. She's the one who would always mix spices in her recipe just so that she could get the perfect taste that satisfies my taste buds. I will never let one argument, not even that one difficult moment, ruin everything.

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• tata - grandpa