This poem is related to the story of Job: Job is Faithful to God
The sun
Bright as it can be
Blessing the land with fruitage and health
Happiness and freedom fill the hearts of those around me
But
A dark cloud begins to appear
Securing the sky
Dooming the earth with years of sadness
And hurt
There’s a voice
Taunting me
Telling me to turn away from everything
“The earth is doomed to years of darkness
It’s no use
Give it all up”
Again and
Again and
Again
The voice, like a boomerang
I can’t escape from it
Grabbing me and
Pulling me from the heels
I seek help from those around me
But they tell me the same thing
“Go! Just leave home!”
I watch and look
I begin to feel a sense of loneliness
Like an invisible spirit
Only walking the earth
Without notice
My possessions
The people I love
Decreasing by the number
My house
The money
Growing smaller and smaller
I have no control
None
Only forced to watch
As everything falls apart
The anger
The depression
I beat the ground below me
And I spend endless days and nights
Pondering
Wondering
Staring into nothingness
But I manage to escape
From the darkness
The voice
The people
Pulling me back into nothingness
I knew
I always knew
That there was a rainbow in the distance
I stayed
No matter how much it hurt
I stayed
and I was blessed
Hello thereeeeee.
ReplyDeletestraight out: your poem is long. Yeeeups. You should try to cut it down to emphasize the most important parts because by the time i was done reading it, i already forgot what was in the beginning and middle (ish) parts.
maybe instead of having a whole stanza about the boomerang-ing voice you could just say 'relentless voice' or 'incessant' or something.
try not to say 'i felt.. i feel...' instead show. and put a brief 'show' of how you escaped darkness?
i like how your poem tells a whole story though, and it ends happily after. i don't really know a whole bunch about the story of job but it seems like you relate to the trials he had.
good job(:
Hello Shaneika,
ReplyDeleteI felt like i was reading a story in poem form.
It was loooooonnnggg but i think i got the whole concept of what you were trying to say.
I liked the ending it was ironic.
When reading this, I really liked the rhythm of the poem such as the pausing between lines.
Your ideas are strong and imaginable, it is easy for me to hear your voice in this one.
Most of your poem, beginning and middle are basically based on sad emotions so I think you maybe you should keep the most important parts.
Hi Shaneika,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brittany about the strong rhythm in the poem. I also like Korie's suggestiong about the voice. "Bommerang" is probably not the image you want to evoke anyway,
Like both your teammates, I feel this is a strong poem and moves well from the despair of the beginnging to the hope at the end.
I would suggest you include that hope in the graphic and that you clarify the part about "house and money." I know Job lost these but what is the comparison to your life?
great job!
mrs s