Journal #10: Draft of Querencia Essay

The Comfort of My Very Own Home

by: Shaneika Aguilar

I was awoken by the sweet calls of the red headed cardinals and dull gray pigeons perching at the edge of my roof. The birds that I have been raising since I was in 3rd grade spent their time calling out to brown spotted sparrows. A cool breeze of air broke through my window and rushed across my face. My eyes opened. I slowly hoisted myself up from my cotton sheeted and springless mattress bed. I reached for the window and pushed my purple and white translucent curtains to the side. The rays of the bright Saturday sun illuminated my room. The sky was painted baby blue and cloudless. A smile grew on my face. Right then and there, I knew that today was going to be another good day.

I switched from pajamas to shirt and shorts. I headed down the long hallway that stood before me. The marble topped breakfast table was covered with plates that were filled with my favorite meals. A plate with 10 pieces of portuguese sausage and a scoop of rice caught my sight. I just knew that this plate had to be mine. I waited until everyone awoke from their dreams and gathered at the table for a family breakfast. My stomach felt like a bottomless pit, so I immediately took a bite of my portuguese sausage. Then, scarfed down everything else. Finally, the anger of my stomach had disappeared.

My mother handed me a "To Do List" for the day. First on the list was the vacuuming of the dusty sofas where pests lingered on. I stepped onto my thick beige colored carpet that led to the living room and ran the vacuum across. I couldn't help but notice the odd streaky designs on the four pillows that were resting next to me. The place was empty and quiet. Then, I found a small piece of white hair hiding under the pillows. Then, a flashback of my childhood past rushed into my mind.

I felt the wind as it blew across my face as I ran across my wide and open yard. The grass was green, trimmed, and watered. I was running along side my cat who excitedly tried to grab hold of my leg. She had a white underbelly and had black, brown, and beige spots on her fur that reached across her spine. Her name was Ming Ming. I was exhausted and Ming Ming was panting. I could feel the heat of her breathe as it ran across my leg and I could feel my heart as it pounded unsteadily. We climbed back into the house and threw our bodies onto the black sofas that awaited in the living room. I rested my head on the arm of the sofa and drank a cold glass of fresh water. "Boy, was that something I haven't done in a long time," I said to my cat as she purred softly. It's been a long time since we didn't want to disturb our elderly neighbors who required peace and quiet. I gave much effort to behave as best as I could until this day when they were brought to care home. We were free and we escaped from the long entrapment of our house. I could be as loud as I can and yell to the mountains if I wanted to. It was a refreshing day and one I will always remember.

The backyard of our house has become smaller than usual. Instead of a field of green green grass, it was an extension of brown cement covering all the corners of the house. Tag and Hide-and-Seek has been turned forbidden. It became as a disturbance to our new elderly neighbors. Not only had that stopped me from having my true freedom, but my lifetime companion has gone. I never got to see those black, brown, and beige spots since the day we moved or the heat of her breathe as she panted. I was stripped down from my childhood freedom and was forced to remain forever obedient to the strict voices of my parents.

I didn't see it coming. I never knew I would be able to find a small piece of white hair after about 6 years or so. I kept that memory, since I knew that remembering it would help bring me back to my childhood freedom. I continued to vacuum the living room sofas clean and fresh. When I finished, I unplugged the vacuum and set it in the corner of the living room. I looked into my "To Do List" and checked off number one with a red sharpie. The number after that, two, ordered me to dust the desks of the computers. I grabbed a mini hand towel and sprayed this furniture polishing formula onto it. I headed for the study room and placed my hand onto an elegant office desk that towered over the entire room. I accidentally hit a white Dell laptop as I was running the mini towel across the desk. Then, I recalled a lost memory.

My little Dutch Blue Peach Faced Lovebird, named Emerald sat at the very edge of a brown rectangular desk. Upon it was a white Dell laptop. Emerald watched me as I typed into my online journal. It was the only place I could express myself freely without letting anyone know. I let out all my secrets and troubles there. Emerald's presence motivated me as I was venting and it was a good thing she was there for me on this particular day. It was the first day of school in the fourth grade. It was the last time my mom would ever be dropping me off in a car. My cousin and I attended the same school. We were almost like identical twins who wore the same blue pleated skirts and blue school uniform. I really had to use the restroom and was a little unfamiliar with the school. My cousin accompanied me and waited as I was using the stall. Out of nowhere, I heard a deep and frightening voice that said, "Ew, two girls are using the bathroom together." I immediately grew afraid and rushed as I used the restroom. There were three big girls, one chewing on an apple, and the other with their arms crossed. They all glared at us as if we were involved in some type of crime. They began to tease us and many of the girls who were in the bathroom rushed out to tell everyone that there was going to be a fight in the restroom. I couldn't help it and so I cried and ran outside. By the end of the day, my eyes were puffed up from excessive tears and pink like the inside of a guava. I was so glad when I came home. I immediately rushed to my study room and turned my computer on. I wrote and wrote everything that happened to me and repeatedly asked for someone to help me get rid of the bullies. I felt secured there and I knew that once I entered my study room, no one was going to hurt me.

The study room has been reorganized. The simple brown rectagular table had been thrown out a year ago and now the computer was placed on an elegant office desk that had different compartments to it. It towered over the study room and held many of our family pictures. Whenever I entered the study room, the atmosphere felt different. Things weren't in their correct places and I wasn't able to write in my online journal anymore. The words wouldn't come out right and I had a hard time functioning properly. Emerald was no longer present beside me as I tried to vent. My motivation had gone and I had no idea what to do any longer.

It's been a long time since I logged onto my online journal. It's been a long time since I opened that white Dell laptop. And it's been a long time since I have seen my bird, Emerald. Things have changed and time has passed. I figured that the only thing I can do now is to just remember this memory every now and then.

The desks looked shiny clean, but no matter how clean and brand new it looked, it wasn't able to bring back the past that I had once enjoyed for some period of time. Next on my "To Do List" was the sweeping of the floor. I grabbed a long soft bristled broom and a small black dust pan. An abundance of dirt has scattered across the entrance hall of our home. The door was open and I was able to get a small glance of the so-called garden outside. It wasn't a presentable or healthy garden. I wanted it to be like before, when it served as my own private getaway.

The ground was damp and wet from the pouring rain and little droplets of water dripped from the tips of the little green leaves of potted plants. I laid there as my cat laid next to me. I rested my hand on her head as she rested her brown dirty paw on my stomach. We both watched the clouds as they passed by and took shape of a nonexistent creature. The sun peaked through the bodies of the white cotton clouds and blinded my eyes. The water from the grass eventually evaporated into thin air, but the dirt beneath the grass remained damp. Surrounding us was my dad's vegetables and my mom's gradient orchids. Eggplants, bittermelons, squash, and calamansi grew from little flower buds into ripe vegetables. My mom's yellow, purple, and pink orchids flourished in beauty and its mild fragrance filled the air. It was my private getaway and one that I could no longer time travel back to.

My life now is very different from my childhood past. The warmth and comfort that I once received from my previous home no longer provided for me the securement I needed. I was able to roam free and express my true self out in my backyard and in my room. But, this new home of mine can't give me that. On the very day that I have moved was the nightmare of my life. I knew that I would turn into a different person once I adapted to the new environment that I was moving into. For many years, I have longed to gain that securement back, but it is now far beyond my reach.