Ideas: Very good with describing what is in your room and why your room is organized that way. You could add some examples or some special memories that signify the importance of your room.
Organization: As far as organization goes, you could slow down your pace at the ending. It seems as though your essay ended abruptly. Good job on separating the different topics of your room from each other. For example, your third paragraph talks about your clothing and your fourth paragraph talks about you and your sisters sharing the room. It keeps the reader focused on what you are talking about, rather than jumping to different subtopics at once.
Voice: Your essay shows a lot of voice. I can really tell that your are actually writing this and not someone else. Just by the way you speak and write your essay gives your essay a little authenticity. However, you can add more significance to your essay. For example, you could tell us some of the secrets that you shared with your sister, but you don't have to tell us all the specifics about the secret. Just the moment that you had with her. Show us that that was an important moment for you.
Word Choice: I feel you can be a little more specific. For example, in your last paragraph, you use words like happy, sad, and mad. Specify these memories. Tell us what happy memories, what sad, or what mad memories made your room special. Give some significance about the room. Then, your readers will fully understand what you are trying to say and why your room is important to you. :)
Madelynne Nguyen:
You are very creative with your ideas and you are also specific in some of your details. However, some of your sentences are repetitive and cliche. There are some extended sentences and ones with too much information. You could shorten it and get straight to the point. Like: "It seemed like the books were living happily all snuggled together."
Be a little more specific when you use words like beautiful and unique. Try to make your essay sound like a story of your life. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment