Madelynne Nguyen:
You are very descriptive and you are able to state the story very specifically. However, there are some run-on sentences and sentences that don’t make sense. For example, “I was headed to the living room when the aroma hit me like a crashing wave and lured me in to the kitchen instead remembering why I was up so early.” You can do well with this sentence without the “instead remembering why I was up so early.” Then, if you removed just a few of the unnecessary parts of your sentence, you’ll be able to project your story to your reader more thoroughly. I loved how your story started of when you were sleeping and was awoken by the aroma of Kaophun. It sort of like my story. Good job with being able to make your story flow nicely from beginning to end and being able to relate everything to one topic, which is Kaophun. Try to add more information about your mom. Like some background information on how the Kaophun started in your family. Give some information about your mom and maybe what she likes about the food that she cooks and you could state why you chose Kaophun to be the main recipe of your Roots and Recipes essay. If it is a tradition in the family, you can state how the tradition started off and who will continue it on for generations. And you can talk about things like that. Try to elaborate more on who the food is associated with because your readers want to know about how the food started. Try to be a little more specific when you are talking about smell, taste, etc. For example, “Hours passed by slowly as the kaopuhn mocked me with its smell, making me want to eat the entire pot while it still boiled fiercely.” What kind of smell? What smell is making you want to eat the food as it was boiling? Try to find similar things like this in your essay and be a little more specific, then your essay will sound exemplary. Jordie is a good example when it comes with sentence structure and vocabulary. Maybe you can seek help from her, well if she is willing to help you that is. :) Comment on my blog if you have any concerns about my comment to you.Rebekah Morales:
OMG!! Thank you for posting your essay. I have been waiting for days and panicking. Anyway, you could be a little more descriptive. Be more specific and don't use words like "stuff" and "feel" and "something." It doesn't really state what you are wanting.
Show more of what is happening and not telling. For example, your beginning sentences aren't too specific. When you said that you were "smiling at the sight you were seeing," show us what you are seeing and exactly what is happening. For example, you could say: "A smile grew on my face as I stepped out onto the pavilion. My eyes caught sight of family members gathered together in a circle, falling back on their chairs as they told their stories." You can put this in your essay, just remember to be more specific and describe what you can see and what is happening. Don't use words like "chattering, laughter, yelling, and chasing." These words are more for telling not showing. Use strong verbs as well.
Be more descriptive when it comes to what you are doing. Also, add some quotes from your interview. This will make your essay more authentic and will give the essay a stronger vibe. This way the reader knows the importance of Halo-Halo through the quotes. Add some sensory details, such as what you can hear, see, smell, taste, and feel. Also, give us a memorable time when the Halo-Halo really played an important role in your life.
It seems as though you are trying really hard to be very specific when it comes to describing what is going on. Good, but not good enough. We want to know what is going on. Show rather than tell.
Another example that I wanted to give to you to elaborate on what I mean to be more specific: "After I finished eating, I could still taste the ube in my tongue." Ok, here's th problem, you are not using strong verbs and you didn't describe what happened when you were eating it. Did you scarf it down , did your "inner beast" get released out of you, and such." Here is what I want to read, excluding the "after I finised eating" part of the sentence: "The soft and creamy ube ice cream lingered at the tips of my tongue." In this sentence, "lingered" is one of the verbs you can use to describe what is going on. It basically tells you what is happening on your tongue. Also, add some sensory details while you are at it.
Also, your essay is very short. Add more authenticity and more verbs in your essay. Make it STRONG!! Make it an essay that can never be revised and what readers want to read over and over again. Make everything come to life. Try to make that your goal. :)
If you have any concern on what I just commented, please comment on my blog.
Show more of what is happening and not telling. For example, your beginning sentences aren't too specific. When you said that you were "smiling at the sight you were seeing," show us what you are seeing and exactly what is happening. For example, you could say: "A smile grew on my face as I stepped out onto the pavilion. My eyes caught sight of family members gathered together in a circle, falling back on their chairs as they told their stories." You can put this in your essay, just remember to be more specific and describe what you can see and what is happening. Don't use words like "chattering, laughter, yelling, and chasing." These words are more for telling not showing. Use strong verbs as well.
Be more descriptive when it comes to what you are doing. Also, add some quotes from your interview. This will make your essay more authentic and will give the essay a stronger vibe. This way the reader knows the importance of Halo-Halo through the quotes. Add some sensory details, such as what you can hear, see, smell, taste, and feel. Also, give us a memorable time when the Halo-Halo really played an important role in your life.
It seems as though you are trying really hard to be very specific when it comes to describing what is going on. Good, but not good enough. We want to know what is going on. Show rather than tell.
Another example that I wanted to give to you to elaborate on what I mean to be more specific: "After I finished eating, I could still taste the ube in my tongue." Ok, here's th problem, you are not using strong verbs and you didn't describe what happened when you were eating it. Did you scarf it down , did your "inner beast" get released out of you, and such." Here is what I want to read, excluding the "after I finised eating" part of the sentence: "The soft and creamy ube ice cream lingered at the tips of my tongue." In this sentence, "lingered" is one of the verbs you can use to describe what is going on. It basically tells you what is happening on your tongue. Also, add some sensory details while you are at it.
Also, your essay is very short. Add more authenticity and more verbs in your essay. Make it STRONG!! Make it an essay that can never be revised and what readers want to read over and over again. Make everything come to life. Try to make that your goal. :)
If you have any concern on what I just commented, please comment on my blog.
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