for the information and help they seek.
They keep searching until they are satisfied.
When they are,
they perform their work in an application.
Once completed, they click save,
to store into my storage device,
so they can refer back to it in the future.
As a result, I help them gain the knowledge that they need.
I do well on my own as well.
I dedicate myself to the things that I do,
checking each detail for accuracy.
I continuously process my work,
until the job is done.
I multitask every so often,
performing tasks in the background,
while another is being used in the foreground.
However, if I overload,
I begin to malfunction,
behaving as if a bug has entered my system.
Some grow frustrated of me,
if I don't function properly.
They tend to abuse me and then abandon me.
But, after awhile,
they realize the need of having me with them.
So, they return,
with a solution to the problem.
Sometimes, I feel as if others
are taking advantage of me.
Only to use me for their own benefit.
However, others feel that having me around is a good thing.
Without me, life is hard and empty.
But, I make it easier for them,
that's why they call me a
"life-saver."
Hey shanieka!
ReplyDeleteThis is maddie commenting..
'Once completed, they click save,
to store into my storage device,
so they can refer back to it in the future.' I like how you don't say "i relate to a computer because..." you show rather then tell.
One thing that I would suggest is to not write as if this was a paragraph. For instance, 'As a result, I help them gain the knowledge that they need.' You can reword this so it could sound more like a poem.
I liked the way you organized your poem, it flows from beginning to end. I like the way you ended your poem as well because it makes it more 'dramatic' in a way.
I can see why you chose the relation between you can a computer. It works for you. You are the type of person that helps everyone succeed. To me, a life with no computer would stink. Everyone relys on a computer and I tend to see people relying on you most of the time.
"However, if I overload,
I begin to malfunction,
behaving as if a bug has entered my system."
I agree with this because as a friend, i see you 'malfunction' whenever you are working to hard. You tend to concentrate more but then become a psycho when you are multi-tasking and doing all these projects that are thrown at you.
Overall, I liked the metephor that you chose becasue it describes you very well.
---MADDIE
hey shaneika :)
ReplyDeletei get that the main idea of your poem is that you are comparing yourself to a computer, the way you behave and see the world
my first impression was that its not portrayed as an emotional poem... its just.. describing you. im not sure if that's the emotion you wanted to relay though
here are the great words and phrases that i liked in your poem:
'I multitask every so often'
'I continuously process my work,'
'However, if I overload, I begin to malfunction,'
(i don't see a lot of good, descriptive adjectives to help to make the verbs stronger though....)
the structure seems to flow with where you want to have the pauses put, and then they are broken into stanzas and paragraphs
although im not exactly sure on what you being a 'life-saver' has to do with you being like a computer
and also, i don't understand this line:
'Without me, life is hard and empty.'
im not sure what this means or what you mean by it...
but anyway good job! :)
i like the idea of comparing you to a computer though
Korie
Hi Shaneika,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem. I agree with your teammates that this was a good metaphor for you...and the "tone" of the poem also matches the metaphor.
I see what Korie is saying about the use of "lifesaver"...it's kind of like mixing metaphors...to it might be better to revise that part.
I think some parts can be more concise...this may relate to Maddie's comment about not making it sound "like a paragraph." Poems are kind of "telegraphic"...they focus on the most important words...the ones with the most impact...so try picking those out and see if you can make that transition from paragraph to poem.
Good luck on the video :)
mrs s